GRATITUDE
The Amazing Effects of Gratitude
The Amazing Effects of Gratitude
So, I just closed my first play of my senior year. Let me tell you... it was a real challenge, this play. It started off a little weird, because I was put in the position of having to make a choice. Either accept a role offered to me (Which was Oskar's Mum in Let The Right One In) or be up for two really great shows in the fall, where I could definitely fit into either one. (Children's Hour and Vinegar Tom)
I'm not a strong decision maker.... so this was like, my own personal hell for a week. Do I take the main stage? Or do I take the opportunity for a larger role which would probably stretch my acting ability and allow me to break from the mold of always playing the role of a mother?
I'm not a strong decision maker.... so this was like, my own personal hell for a week. Do I take the main stage? Or do I take the opportunity for a larger role which would probably stretch my acting ability and allow me to break from the mold of always playing the role of a mother?
Long story short, I took Let The Right One In. And I immediately felt like I made the wrong choice.
Something inside of my body didn't feel right about it, but I dislocated from that because I "knew" I made the smart, safe choice.
Fast forward to the actual rehearsal process... I was doing a pretty good job, but I was bored because all of my scenes were so short and the script was pretty freakin' bad, so there wasn't much to work with. I was jealous of everyone else.... everyone got to be in movement pieces, or be killed by a vampire, or play in the SNOW on stage! And me? I drink colored water from a wine glass and smoked an e-cig. I didn't even get to die... Oskar's Mum didn't even get CLOSURE in the play! What was I thinking?! And then my director stopped working with me, because he trusted my process and "was the last thing he was worried about". I grew frustrated and by the final night of dress rehearsal I was done with the whole experience. I felt like my senior year was off to a shit start and I was having none of it. Unfortunately, I was stuck in that rut for the majority of our run.
Then one night, after what was a really good show, I made a comment to one of my good friends and cast mate. "It's almost over."
Walking to my car that night, I thought about how this play was her university debut performance. I thought about how freaking cool the show was, even if I wasn't part of the "cool" factor. (It was SO technically driven... it was taken from the novel/movie of Let The Right One In, which is why it was very cenimatic/poorly scripted.) I decided that I needed to shift my mindset. There were two more shows left, and I was going to make it count.
The next night we had our best audience, and that night an alumni found me so he could share about how I (as Oskar's Mum) reminded him of his relationship with his mom. There's a high stakes scene between Oskar and his mum, in which she slaps him across the face and has a short monologue, "You think I shouldn't drink? Just look at you! A savage, a hooligan, I produce this and I shouldn't drink?"
Something inside of my body didn't feel right about it, but I dislocated from that because I "knew" I made the smart, safe choice.
Fast forward to the actual rehearsal process... I was doing a pretty good job, but I was bored because all of my scenes were so short and the script was pretty freakin' bad, so there wasn't much to work with. I was jealous of everyone else.... everyone got to be in movement pieces, or be killed by a vampire, or play in the SNOW on stage! And me? I drink colored water from a wine glass and smoked an e-cig. I didn't even get to die... Oskar's Mum didn't even get CLOSURE in the play! What was I thinking?! And then my director stopped working with me, because he trusted my process and "was the last thing he was worried about". I grew frustrated and by the final night of dress rehearsal I was done with the whole experience. I felt like my senior year was off to a shit start and I was having none of it. Unfortunately, I was stuck in that rut for the majority of our run.
Then one night, after what was a really good show, I made a comment to one of my good friends and cast mate. "It's almost over."
Walking to my car that night, I thought about how this play was her university debut performance. I thought about how freaking cool the show was, even if I wasn't part of the "cool" factor. (It was SO technically driven... it was taken from the novel/movie of Let The Right One In, which is why it was very cenimatic/poorly scripted.) I decided that I needed to shift my mindset. There were two more shows left, and I was going to make it count.
The next night we had our best audience, and that night an alumni found me so he could share about how I (as Oskar's Mum) reminded him of his relationship with his mom. There's a high stakes scene between Oskar and his mum, in which she slaps him across the face and has a short monologue, "You think I shouldn't drink? Just look at you! A savage, a hooligan, I produce this and I shouldn't drink?"
He took me by the shoulders and explained that his mom had a drug problem while he grew up, and that we (Oskar's Mum and I) captured that moment perfectly. He cried, even.
That singular moment, that connection, made the whole run worth it to me. To know that my character made a difference to at least one person was really all I needed. I allowed myself to really change the way I played Mum for the rest of the run. Since I was feeling less bitter and victimized, so did she. And the audience stopped laughing when the officer told her to "fuck off". Instead they found sympathy for her.
There's even more stories of what changed, but I won't go into further detail. How does this relate to the Growth Mindset prompt? I just started finding gratitude. I checked my stupid ego at the door and decided to be grateful to be in such a cool production. I decided to be grateful for all of the underclassmen and the opportunity they were getting. I decided to be grateful towards my director who really left it up to me. I was grateful for feeling like shit so I could learn how to get over it. Most of all, I was grateful towards Mum for finally letting me figure her out. I always felt unsatisfied after a show, because Mum doesn't get a resolve (okay, a lot of that has to do with poor playwriting) but I'm usually always able to figure it out. While I was never given that sense of resolve, I gratefully learned how to live with something that made me uncomfortable.
It was a challenge, because I didn't feel like I reached my own expectation with this specific role. I could be sitting on my couch right now, feeling very bitter but relieved to be done with said play. But instead, I took a breath of gratitude and I'm now happy for the experience. I learned a lot of lessons that I wouldn't have if everything went the way I planned. It's been tough, but I'm so grateful.
That singular moment, that connection, made the whole run worth it to me. To know that my character made a difference to at least one person was really all I needed. I allowed myself to really change the way I played Mum for the rest of the run. Since I was feeling less bitter and victimized, so did she. And the audience stopped laughing when the officer told her to "fuck off". Instead they found sympathy for her.
There's even more stories of what changed, but I won't go into further detail. How does this relate to the Growth Mindset prompt? I just started finding gratitude. I checked my stupid ego at the door and decided to be grateful to be in such a cool production. I decided to be grateful for all of the underclassmen and the opportunity they were getting. I decided to be grateful towards my director who really left it up to me. I was grateful for feeling like shit so I could learn how to get over it. Most of all, I was grateful towards Mum for finally letting me figure her out. I always felt unsatisfied after a show, because Mum doesn't get a resolve (okay, a lot of that has to do with poor playwriting) but I'm usually always able to figure it out. While I was never given that sense of resolve, I gratefully learned how to live with something that made me uncomfortable.
It was a challenge, because I didn't feel like I reached my own expectation with this specific role. I could be sitting on my couch right now, feeling very bitter but relieved to be done with said play. But instead, I took a breath of gratitude and I'm now happy for the experience. I learned a lot of lessons that I wouldn't have if everything went the way I planned. It's been tough, but I'm so grateful.
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| A personal picture from Let The Right One In (Costumes by Lloyd Cracknell) A crew member caught a picture of Mum while I was waiting for my first scene entrance. (E-cig and water!) |
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