Growth Mindset

So, in case you read my last personal post I talked about having some really important auditions last week.

One of those auditions was for this showcase in Chicago. A woman from that market flew in (she's an OU School of Drama alumni) and screened us.

Going into the audition (or really, waking up that day) I could sense that I've really matured over the past few years when it comes to auditioning. Deep in my heart I knew that this was a really important audition, but I decided to look at it if it's just another audition. I didn't let the weight of the day hold me down or psych me out. And when the time came and we all stood in the hallway, waiting for our turn to go in and perform, I took a moment to go to the bathroom and center myself by taking one final look in the mirror. Without thinking about it, I just started to talk to myself and express how proud I was for getting this far, and that I loved myself. It was kind of crazy, and I started crying, I don't know... self love hasn't been easy for me ever and in that moment it was a total milestone. I went into the audition, had a great conversation with the woman, Linda, did my material, and left it all in the room. I walked out knowing that I did a damn good job, and no matter what, I could be proud of that.

After the audition we did some cold reading and then that was it. Goodbye. Our future was now in her hands.

6 people were chosen out of 20. I wasn't one of them.

Which was really hard, because I made a lot of sacrifices and I really cared about this opportunity. More than even some of the people who were selected to go. We auditioned on Tuesday and found out Thursday morning, before class, about the list. We had to perform that day (non-human monologues, and I was performing a piece from Homeward Bound and soooo not in the mood.) and I couldn't stop crying. I was totally upset. But I didn't want to be a baby and not go to class, and besides, I wanted to talk about my experience.

When it came to class time, I felt heavy by the pressure of not being selected. I tried my best to keep from breaking down into tears but I couldn't help it. Trying to congratulate my friends who are going and having them look at me with heavy eyes followed by "I'm so sorry, you deserve to go" hurt like a knife. We began to have a discussion about how we were feeling. Mostly everyone who didn't make it to the showcase said that they felt their audition was weird for reasons x, y, or z. Eventually I shared about how I felt weird because my audition was so (personally) strong. My professor agreed (who had no say in the selection process) that this was the best audition she has seen me give. Sometimes we're just not it. No matter how well we do, we just aren't what they're looking for.

So what about growth mindset?

Not getting this opportunity sparked something inside of me that has been out for a long time. I feel motivated again. I feel passionate again. Taking this negative energy and turning it into fuel is like... the most amazing feeling. Yes, I'm still bummed to not go but I'm not letting it defeat me. My mom texted me the day I found out about the list, asking if I was okay. My response? I have to be. This is the reality of my path. This will happen again! But instead of falling apart, I'm choosing to have faith in myself. I'm choosing to keep knocking on doors until I find the right one.

A personal photo of my class from the end of our freshman year.
Some of which are going to a showcase, and some of which are hopping in my
car Feb.5th-8th and heading to the Grand Canon. 

Growth Mindset

This week there was a Shakespeare seminar hosted by one of my professors. All of the senior drama students were invited to participate. It was a night of scenes, monologues, and a talk back with the audience.

Personal photo from the evening.
Lead by Alissa Mortimer, our wonderful professor in red! 

Now, Shakespeare is not my favorite.

Don't get me wrong- I love Shakespeare. You'll never catch me saying that his work isn't the most wonderful and advanced of all the dramatic text ever to be conceived in this universe, ever. But the truth of the matter is that it intimidates me! I'm not a sit down and study type of person, not really, and Shakespeare's work demands so much table time. I'm trying to teach myself to really enjoy going through the script over and over, etc.

So, anyway, I decided to participate because, deep down, I didn't want to do it. I've always been an advocate for taking every opportunity (because if I don't, I'll feel guilty.) but that's proving to be a challenge now that I'm a senior and maybe a tad bit burnt out.

Five of us volunteered. Two of my friends and I decided to do a really short scene from Twelfth Night. I was playing Maria and I had literally four lines. But for whatever reason, I couldn't memorize one of them. It REFUSED to come out of my mouth!

The main reason I have a difficult time with Shakespeare is because of, you guessed it, fear. I fear having to learn all of those lines and remembering them with upmost clarity. Over time I've convinced myself that I suck at memorization. I knew I was going to mess up during our performance. I knew it. I was trying to convince myself, while we sat waiting, that I was going to be fine. I've played Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing. I've done multiple MULTIPLE Shakespeare scenes over the past two years. There was not a single reason why I couldn't RECITE ONE SILLY LINE.

So we start to perform and, wouldn't you guess it, I totally blanked. I kept a notecard in my back pocket and pulled it out, but even then I was speaking gibberish. But you know what- I just kept going. I switched my focus towards having fun with the rest of the scene. But even later in the night, when I performed my monologue, I blanked on a line (luckily I just went straight on ahead because I KNOW THIS PEICE DON'T PRETEND LIKE I DON'T, BRAIN).

During the talkback I made a comment about how I don't specifically find myself to be a very strong Shakespearean actor. Afterwords some audience members came up and asked me why I felt that way, and we shared some dialogue similar to what I'm saying now. One woman suggested that I go back to the start, and that I simplify my expectations of myself. I had also mentioned that I've never really fallen on my face like that during a performance, and a gentleman laughed at me and said, "See! That's your problem! You've got to fail in order to realize that everything is going to be okay. Your students will return the next day and the sun will rise."

Overall, I'm really glad that I had that experience. It was SUPER cool to talk with scholars about Shakespeare and to do a few pieces for them. I'm also appreciative for my floundering, because everything is okay. This lesson taught me that if I continue putting this unneeded pressure on myself to be this great actor who can do no wrong, and can perform it ALL, then I'm going to run into this issues time and time again. I've decided to take smaller bites and work those to a place of confidence. I can, and I will.


"Some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them..." -Malvolio in Twelfth Night

Growth Mindset: Nov. 7th

Today's growth mindset is, "Effort ignites ability and turns in into accomplishment."

I really needed this today. It's helpful in the sense of, well, I might as well keep going. There's a big showcase audition coming up and I've been unable to find material that really speaks to me and what I want to show. It's been really hard, because I'm actively looking all the time! I just can't seem to find it. But, I'm putting in the effort. So if I just keep at it, it has to turn up.... right?

A personal photo from 2012,
doing a monologue I was really into. I need some of that good juju!

Growth Mindset

Happiness Jar

I'm really excited to try this out! I think that it'll be really beneficial in a year. It's so easy to forget about the good things. If I do it once a day, I'll have 365 GOOD things to recall. Incredible! 

Growth Mindset Midway

W. Churchhill
google images

I definitely wanted to be doing far better in this course; I feel like it sets you up for ultimate success!
I was really overwhelmed at the beginning of the semester because I was in rehearsals for a challenging show that was really giving me trouble. I'm also in our actor's professional prep class, which is so time consuming. And I'm taking a playwriting course which demands a 10 minute play every week. I resolved with myself that I would do my best here, and then once I was free(er) I would jump in with extra credit and really hit the ground running.

Then I was offered an assistant directing position for a show I'm crazy passionate about, and I was offered a principal role in a film.

I want to think that I can do it all. But I over committed myself, and since everything else is performance based I absolutely had to pour everything I had into those areas.

I'm really proud of all the work I'm doing right now, but I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall behind here. It's kind of embarrassing; I would miss important notes because I wasn't paying enough attention.

On the other hand, I'm proud of the work I have done in here. I've written on topics completely foreign, learned really great techniques for giving feedback, and have also read really great works and stories. I really enjoy this class!

So, if I've learned anything in these last 8 weeks it's definitely about time management, knowing my own limits, and learning to say no.

Besides all that----

Doing the checklist was really beneficial for me. I learned that I tend to fall into the right hand category, and that's definitely good. I've also learned that I am the queen of questions. We'll have guest speakers come into our pro prep class and it's like I never shut up. At first I was really self-conscious because I thought everyone was judging me, but my peers started to thank me because I was asking exactly what they were thinking. Guests, and I mean some pretty important people, have all commented that I ask really good questions. I stand out in that way, and I'm memorable to people in my industry who could offer me jobs someday.

I had mentioned that I over committed myself, but it was all because I began saying "yes" to projects I would normally say "no". And I've grown from that! I've learned that I love assisting and I'm growing a skill set that could help me find jobs in the entertainment industry besides acting. I have much more confidence in my abilities outside of being a performer, which is really important to me, because that's been something I've been insecure about for the last three years.

Overall, I think my main issue was that I gave myself the option to come back to this class and catch up. Maybe for some people that works, but I've learned that it doesn't for me. So if I'm giving the opportunity of "catch up later" in the future, I'm going to disregard that option and treat it as if completion is only possible in the now.

Growth Mindset: Gratitude

GRATITUDE
The Amazing Effects of Gratitude

So, I just closed my first play of my senior year. Let me tell you... it was a real challenge, this play. It started off a little weird, because I was put in the position of having to make a choice. Either accept a role offered to me (Which was Oskar's Mum in Let The Right One In) or be up for two really great shows in the fall, where I could definitely fit into either one. (Children's Hour and Vinegar Tom)
I'm not a strong decision maker.... so this was like, my own personal hell for a week. Do I take the main stage? Or do I take the opportunity for a larger role which would probably stretch my acting ability and allow me to break from the mold of always playing the role of a mother? 

Long story short, I took Let The Right One In. And I immediately felt like I made the wrong choice.
Something inside of my body didn't feel right about it, but I dislocated from that because I "knew" I made the smart, safe choice.

Fast forward to the actual rehearsal process... I was doing a pretty good job, but I was bored because all of my scenes were so short and the script was pretty freakin' bad, so there wasn't much to work with. I was jealous of everyone else.... everyone got to be in movement pieces, or be killed by a vampire, or play in the SNOW on stage! And me? I drink colored water from a wine glass and smoked an e-cig. I didn't even get to die... Oskar's Mum didn't even get CLOSURE in the play! What was I thinking?! And then my director stopped working with me, because he trusted my process and "was the last thing he was worried about". I grew frustrated and by the final night of dress rehearsal I was done with the whole experience. I felt like my senior year was off to a shit start and I was having none of it. Unfortunately, I was stuck in that rut for the majority of our run.

Then one night, after what was a really good show, I made a comment to one of my good friends and cast mate. "It's almost over."
Walking to my car that night, I thought about how this play was her university debut performance. I thought about how freaking cool the show was, even if I wasn't part of the "cool" factor. (It was SO technically driven... it was taken from the novel/movie of Let The Right One In, which is why it was very cenimatic/poorly scripted.) I decided that I needed to shift my mindset. There were two more shows left, and I was going to make it count.

The next night we had our best audience, and that night an alumni found me so he could share about how I (as Oskar's Mum) reminded him of his relationship with his mom. There's a high stakes scene between Oskar and his mum, in which she slaps him across the face and has a short monologue, "You think I shouldn't drink? Just look at you! A savage, a hooligan, I produce this and I shouldn't drink?"

He took me by the shoulders and explained that his mom had a drug problem while he grew up, and that we (Oskar's Mum and I) captured that moment perfectly. He cried, even.

That singular moment, that connection, made the whole run worth it to me. To know that my character made a difference to at least one person was really all I needed. I allowed myself to really change the way I played Mum for the rest of the run. Since I was feeling less bitter and victimized, so did she. And the audience stopped laughing when the officer told her to "fuck off". Instead they found sympathy for her.

There's even more stories of what changed, but I won't go into further detail. How does this relate to the Growth Mindset prompt? I just started finding gratitude. I checked my stupid ego at the door and decided to be grateful to be in such a cool production. I decided to be grateful for all of the underclassmen and the opportunity they were getting. I decided to be grateful towards my director who really left it up to me. I was grateful for feeling like shit so I could learn how to get over it. Most of all, I was grateful towards Mum for finally letting me figure her out. I always felt unsatisfied after a show, because Mum doesn't get a resolve (okay, a lot of that has to do with poor playwriting) but I'm usually always able to figure it out. While I was never given that sense of resolve, I gratefully learned how to live with something that made me uncomfortable.

It was a challenge, because I didn't feel like I reached my own expectation with this specific role. I could be sitting on my couch right now, feeling very bitter but relieved to be done with said play. But instead, I took a breath of gratitude and I'm now happy for the experience. I learned a lot of lessons that I wouldn't have if everything went the way I planned. It's been tough, but I'm so grateful.

A personal picture from Let The Right One In
(Costumes by Lloyd Cracknell)
A crew member caught a picture of Mum while I was waiting for my first scene entrance.
(E-cig and water!) 

Growth Mindset #2 Playwriting

I'm currently taking playwriting, and I've been waiting to take this course since the beginning of my education! My dad used to always say that I was a good story teller, and that I should write stories (specifically like Stephen King... not sure why? I wouldn't be mad if I wrote like him). I'm not sure how or why he thought this of me. We didn't have a very good relationship, but we were very close when I was much, much younger. I think it's interesting, because we're told that so much of our personality basis stems from before the age of five. Maybe he saw that in me then?
I'm told quite often that I'm a good writer. Every now and then I'll make a long, passionate, facebook post and that's where I find myself receiving messages and comments of friends, family, sometimes strangers, encouraging me to write. I never took an honest crack at it because what if I fail? What if I'm actually not very good and that's the ugly truth? But now I'm learning that life is about failure. It's tried. It's failed. It's get up again. It's fail again. Fail better. SO here I am, finally free falling into fictional fantasy. It's definitely a huge challenge! I have to write a lot of scripts and it's like... what am I doing?! Who am I trying to be?! How do I give this person (who only exists in my head) a real voice? But I can do it. I know I can. It's just a matter of trying. And failing. And trying again.

Growth Mindset

I'm elated to work on my growth mindset! I'm the type of person that gets in the way of their own growth; I build my own walls. I really connected with Carol Dweck's philosophy of "not yet". For whatever reason I am a slow learner and a slow processor. Not to say that I'm stupid, because I'm not. I'm actually quite smart, but I have to slow down and take my time to allow thoughts to flow in correct order. Because of this I really did think that I was, indeed, very very dull. When I get into a negative mindset, every part of my being shuts down. I seriously begin to believe that there's no way I could improve. I wish to be a natural at everything that I do, but that isn't realistic, so I've had to find a way to stay motivated and encouraged even when I'm not getting something right away.

My best example is stage combat.

The number one rule in combat is to be safe, okay? Safety first, second, and last... basically. But while you're being safe you still have to communicate an effective and entertaining slap to the face, punch to the gut, stomp on the foot, smacked unconscious with a chair... you know, things that just happen sometimes. So you have to be technically tight with perfected precision... but above all else you must be safe. Then comes the tiny details. Let's say you slap me across the face, left to right, and then a punch in the gut. The slap (on a scale from 1-10) is a 6, which means I must move my head first, shoulders second, and then the rest of my body follows.
 Also, I have to do the knap (the sound that follows a physical impact). Can't forget that, that's crucial. Then I need to specifically isolate and engage my upper abs, contract, and give a low audible response. Sure, okay, great.

As a beginner you make small mistakes, like punching too high or too low, not "cutting the chord", or just looking, well, a little awkward. You run into physical limitations (I really hurt my knee back in the day, so falling on my right side isn't really an option). Today I was in class and I just could not get a specific punch we were working on. My frustration was beginning to build, especially after having to sit out during the falling warmup because my body just wouldn't agree to it. Normally, I'd let it affect me, get in my way, and I'd overthink the entire process. Yet this time I took a deep breath and I said (out loud) "It'll get there, just not yet." 

That's a pretty lofty explanation for two little words, but I have a feeling that they're really going to influence my life in a powerful way.

Thanks lil cat, I needed that.
Laura Gibb's Growth Mindset Memes

 I'm really grateful that this class has an addition focus on mental health. It's a helpful way to stay in check and learn some new skills, and I feel that it's encouraging my growth as a human being. It's creating tools to allow new doors to open, to assist in breaking from mental restrain and into
freedom of mind. I am not my mind, I have a mind. With that mind I intend to create powerfully!