Growth Mindset

So, in case you read my last personal post I talked about having some really important auditions last week.

One of those auditions was for this showcase in Chicago. A woman from that market flew in (she's an OU School of Drama alumni) and screened us.

Going into the audition (or really, waking up that day) I could sense that I've really matured over the past few years when it comes to auditioning. Deep in my heart I knew that this was a really important audition, but I decided to look at it if it's just another audition. I didn't let the weight of the day hold me down or psych me out. And when the time came and we all stood in the hallway, waiting for our turn to go in and perform, I took a moment to go to the bathroom and center myself by taking one final look in the mirror. Without thinking about it, I just started to talk to myself and express how proud I was for getting this far, and that I loved myself. It was kind of crazy, and I started crying, I don't know... self love hasn't been easy for me ever and in that moment it was a total milestone. I went into the audition, had a great conversation with the woman, Linda, did my material, and left it all in the room. I walked out knowing that I did a damn good job, and no matter what, I could be proud of that.

After the audition we did some cold reading and then that was it. Goodbye. Our future was now in her hands.

6 people were chosen out of 20. I wasn't one of them.

Which was really hard, because I made a lot of sacrifices and I really cared about this opportunity. More than even some of the people who were selected to go. We auditioned on Tuesday and found out Thursday morning, before class, about the list. We had to perform that day (non-human monologues, and I was performing a piece from Homeward Bound and soooo not in the mood.) and I couldn't stop crying. I was totally upset. But I didn't want to be a baby and not go to class, and besides, I wanted to talk about my experience.

When it came to class time, I felt heavy by the pressure of not being selected. I tried my best to keep from breaking down into tears but I couldn't help it. Trying to congratulate my friends who are going and having them look at me with heavy eyes followed by "I'm so sorry, you deserve to go" hurt like a knife. We began to have a discussion about how we were feeling. Mostly everyone who didn't make it to the showcase said that they felt their audition was weird for reasons x, y, or z. Eventually I shared about how I felt weird because my audition was so (personally) strong. My professor agreed (who had no say in the selection process) that this was the best audition she has seen me give. Sometimes we're just not it. No matter how well we do, we just aren't what they're looking for.

So what about growth mindset?

Not getting this opportunity sparked something inside of me that has been out for a long time. I feel motivated again. I feel passionate again. Taking this negative energy and turning it into fuel is like... the most amazing feeling. Yes, I'm still bummed to not go but I'm not letting it defeat me. My mom texted me the day I found out about the list, asking if I was okay. My response? I have to be. This is the reality of my path. This will happen again! But instead of falling apart, I'm choosing to have faith in myself. I'm choosing to keep knocking on doors until I find the right one.

A personal photo of my class from the end of our freshman year.
Some of which are going to a showcase, and some of which are hopping in my
car Feb.5th-8th and heading to the Grand Canon.