Famous Last Words

Again, in my previous FLW I spoke about the pressure of audition week! Audition week is so hectic; the audition itself (generals) is fine and easy. Walk in, do your two monologues, say thanks, walk out.
But this year was different, because it was my LAST general at OU!

I walked in surprised to see like EVERY faculty member, plus alumni students that I had NO idea were visiting. I played Meena from RX and Cassie from Thinner than Water. Cassie (the character) has a pretty emotional ending to her monologue, but it's more interesting to watch someone trying not to cry, rather than crying. So I felt super emotional when I finished, but then my silly mouth blurts "Thanks, it's been a really fun four years" and I start WEEPING, ugh.

Callbacks begin happening immediately on Tuesday and they never end. The FAC (Fine Arts Center) literally becomes your new home for the week if you have a lot of callbacks. I was called back for every show, which is awesome and fun, but totally draining. Callbacks are my favorite part of auditioning, because the pressure shifts a little bit more into play. That's what I'm currently working on... enjoying the magic of auditioning. Rather than thinking of it as an obligation or a "should have to" I'm trying to shift my mindset to being excited about the mystery of it all!

On Sunday the cast lists came out. I'm playing Vera in a new play called She Kills Monsters, which puts me on the main stage 3 plays in a row. I'm completely grateful, because who knows when I'll get to play on a stage like that again? The character isn't the lead, but she's non-stop comedy, which suits me well. The play takes place in both the real world and a D&D game. There's a lot of stage combat, but unfortunately my character is completely based in the real world (except at the very end where she becomes VERA, THE BEHOLDER) since I honestly have the most combat training in the cast, I'm going to talk with the fight director and see if I can slip into some of the fight action- if I don't ask I'll never know!

SO if you're going to be around next semester, check out SHE KILLS MONSTERS. It goes up around the end of March, and I promise it'll be freaking cool times.

A photo from SHE KILLS MONSTERS at the Flea Theatre, where it opened in 2011
AZcentral

Growth Mindset

So, in case you read my last personal post I talked about having some really important auditions last week.

One of those auditions was for this showcase in Chicago. A woman from that market flew in (she's an OU School of Drama alumni) and screened us.

Going into the audition (or really, waking up that day) I could sense that I've really matured over the past few years when it comes to auditioning. Deep in my heart I knew that this was a really important audition, but I decided to look at it if it's just another audition. I didn't let the weight of the day hold me down or psych me out. And when the time came and we all stood in the hallway, waiting for our turn to go in and perform, I took a moment to go to the bathroom and center myself by taking one final look in the mirror. Without thinking about it, I just started to talk to myself and express how proud I was for getting this far, and that I loved myself. It was kind of crazy, and I started crying, I don't know... self love hasn't been easy for me ever and in that moment it was a total milestone. I went into the audition, had a great conversation with the woman, Linda, did my material, and left it all in the room. I walked out knowing that I did a damn good job, and no matter what, I could be proud of that.

After the audition we did some cold reading and then that was it. Goodbye. Our future was now in her hands.

6 people were chosen out of 20. I wasn't one of them.

Which was really hard, because I made a lot of sacrifices and I really cared about this opportunity. More than even some of the people who were selected to go. We auditioned on Tuesday and found out Thursday morning, before class, about the list. We had to perform that day (non-human monologues, and I was performing a piece from Homeward Bound and soooo not in the mood.) and I couldn't stop crying. I was totally upset. But I didn't want to be a baby and not go to class, and besides, I wanted to talk about my experience.

When it came to class time, I felt heavy by the pressure of not being selected. I tried my best to keep from breaking down into tears but I couldn't help it. Trying to congratulate my friends who are going and having them look at me with heavy eyes followed by "I'm so sorry, you deserve to go" hurt like a knife. We began to have a discussion about how we were feeling. Mostly everyone who didn't make it to the showcase said that they felt their audition was weird for reasons x, y, or z. Eventually I shared about how I felt weird because my audition was so (personally) strong. My professor agreed (who had no say in the selection process) that this was the best audition she has seen me give. Sometimes we're just not it. No matter how well we do, we just aren't what they're looking for.

So what about growth mindset?

Not getting this opportunity sparked something inside of me that has been out for a long time. I feel motivated again. I feel passionate again. Taking this negative energy and turning it into fuel is like... the most amazing feeling. Yes, I'm still bummed to not go but I'm not letting it defeat me. My mom texted me the day I found out about the list, asking if I was okay. My response? I have to be. This is the reality of my path. This will happen again! But instead of falling apart, I'm choosing to have faith in myself. I'm choosing to keep knocking on doors until I find the right one.

A personal photo of my class from the end of our freshman year.
Some of which are going to a showcase, and some of which are hopping in my
car Feb.5th-8th and heading to the Grand Canon. 

Reading Notes Tuesday

I read this story because I was really affected by the forest fires lately. I just read an article about the Ripley Aquarium and how they had to evacuate the area, but of course, the animals can't leave.

I'm going to rewrite a story based on the imagination of a fish stuck in the aquarium. The researchers spoke about how the animals have shown to be really calm and normal, so they think things are going to be okay since animals have such a distinct danger instinct. But what if one of the fish knew something was wrong? This also makes me think a little bit about The End of the World because the rabbit was the one to begin spreading the message.

I don't know if the ending would be, or could be, happy for this one...

Photo from the smokey mountain fires
    newschannel5.com

                                             




Twenty Jataka tales: The Forest Fire

Reading Notes, Monday

The End of the World.


-rabbit underneath a tree
-fruit falls, assume the world is ending.

---chicken little???

In a contemporary spin, this makes me think about when one little thing happens in our daily life and we overreact, assuming the worst. We try and run from the "issue" and no matter what anyone else says we can't find solace. Until we find the one person who knows exactly how to help us, and they talk us from "the ledge."


-a story siblings?

-trivial problems... high school aged.

Tracey Young Photography 

The End of the World: 20 Jataka tales

Learning by H.E.A.R.T- a conversation on memorization

So for this week's Learning by HEART challenge I decided to do some research on the topic. After some searching around the biggest topic everyone talks about is memorization.

Memorization is, obviously, a big deal for me. And actually, one of my biggest blocks as an actor is the idea of memorizing. I still haven't learned my trick of the trade yet when it comes to memorizing large chunks of text. Since this upcoming week is FULL of auditions, and of course I picked a new piece a week before hand, I decided to really track and try some heart technique.

The Timer- I tried giving myself 10 minutes to memorize as much as I could. This was an okay attempt, because the pressure of the timer forced to me really focus.
What I Learned- I learned that this is actually a pretty good idea! BUT it's more effective if I break down to smaller chunks. I can then make a block-by-block schedule and it gives me a decent idea of how much time I'll need to memorize.

Writing it Down- The classic "write it down" tends to trick me. While I'm writing it seems like I know it SUPER well! Then I get up to try it and there's a bunch of "ehhh" "uhhh" "um, I mean" that filter in. I've learned that writing them down on notecards (again, chunking the piece up) helps me think of the monologue as A, B, C, etc....
What I Learned- This is a nice thing for me to do before bed. I can't rely on it to get the thing done, but it's a nice way to cap the evening and feel like I've put some time into my memorization work. Can't hurt, right?

yeah, that's a real cute idea.
although, I do have some of them that do stick around...
Winter Springs Arts

The biggest thing I've learned during this exercise was the power of sleeping on it. I do my best, and I feel the most prepared, when I put in a good amount of work every day and then I have a good nights rest between them. I'm not always given this luxury, but it's good to know myself and know how I most comfortably and best work.

Famous Last Words, week 13/14ish?

I feel like this is a really appropriate time to make a blog about famous last words, because this is the last day of Thanksgiving break!

I feel like I was pretty productive with my break, which is nice. But at the same time I could have done more. Where is the balance? In my 3 1/2 years of college I still haven't found that answer.
I stayed in Norman this year. I never go home because home is over 1,000 miles away.
It's really surreal, this is my last Thanksgiving break. Weird...

I think the message of this post is concerning how everything has been, and will be, the first of the last.

Tomorrow I have auditions for the University's spring season of plays. My last audition here... ever.

The last of the last auditions.

I've been going back and forth lately about how I feel in my field. I really want to be serving my purpose in this lifetime, you know? I love acting, but sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to be doing something totally different. I go to therapy, and I sometimes find myself thinking that I could see myself as a therapist... but then I think about how much schooling that would take, if I really want to do that, would I even like it? Then I think it's just easier to stick to acting. But then, if I think longterm, what if I have a really shitty career? Would I regret not trying something different now? Or if I try something different now will I regret not sticking with my dreams?

So I've decided to backpack through Europe this summer. I'll be gone for two months. I've never even travelled outside of the country, let alone by myself. But... I'm gonna do it. I have friends who are also back packing, and we're gonna do fun things like meet up in Amsterdam and then meet up in London to see plays on the West End and a show at the Globe. I need to take sometime to step away from this lifestyle I'm living, just refresh my mind and gain new experience and maybe, who knows, discover myself. If you've read my storybook, you're probably noticing a theme here.

I'm not sure... did I influence my story, or did my story influence me?

The beautiful Globe Theatre, set for an evening performance.
Wikipedia on The Globe

Growth Mindset

This week there was a Shakespeare seminar hosted by one of my professors. All of the senior drama students were invited to participate. It was a night of scenes, monologues, and a talk back with the audience.

Personal photo from the evening.
Lead by Alissa Mortimer, our wonderful professor in red! 

Now, Shakespeare is not my favorite.

Don't get me wrong- I love Shakespeare. You'll never catch me saying that his work isn't the most wonderful and advanced of all the dramatic text ever to be conceived in this universe, ever. But the truth of the matter is that it intimidates me! I'm not a sit down and study type of person, not really, and Shakespeare's work demands so much table time. I'm trying to teach myself to really enjoy going through the script over and over, etc.

So, anyway, I decided to participate because, deep down, I didn't want to do it. I've always been an advocate for taking every opportunity (because if I don't, I'll feel guilty.) but that's proving to be a challenge now that I'm a senior and maybe a tad bit burnt out.

Five of us volunteered. Two of my friends and I decided to do a really short scene from Twelfth Night. I was playing Maria and I had literally four lines. But for whatever reason, I couldn't memorize one of them. It REFUSED to come out of my mouth!

The main reason I have a difficult time with Shakespeare is because of, you guessed it, fear. I fear having to learn all of those lines and remembering them with upmost clarity. Over time I've convinced myself that I suck at memorization. I knew I was going to mess up during our performance. I knew it. I was trying to convince myself, while we sat waiting, that I was going to be fine. I've played Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing. I've done multiple MULTIPLE Shakespeare scenes over the past two years. There was not a single reason why I couldn't RECITE ONE SILLY LINE.

So we start to perform and, wouldn't you guess it, I totally blanked. I kept a notecard in my back pocket and pulled it out, but even then I was speaking gibberish. But you know what- I just kept going. I switched my focus towards having fun with the rest of the scene. But even later in the night, when I performed my monologue, I blanked on a line (luckily I just went straight on ahead because I KNOW THIS PEICE DON'T PRETEND LIKE I DON'T, BRAIN).

During the talkback I made a comment about how I don't specifically find myself to be a very strong Shakespearean actor. Afterwords some audience members came up and asked me why I felt that way, and we shared some dialogue similar to what I'm saying now. One woman suggested that I go back to the start, and that I simplify my expectations of myself. I had also mentioned that I've never really fallen on my face like that during a performance, and a gentleman laughed at me and said, "See! That's your problem! You've got to fail in order to realize that everything is going to be okay. Your students will return the next day and the sun will rise."

Overall, I'm really glad that I had that experience. It was SUPER cool to talk with scholars about Shakespeare and to do a few pieces for them. I'm also appreciative for my floundering, because everything is okay. This lesson taught me that if I continue putting this unneeded pressure on myself to be this great actor who can do no wrong, and can perform it ALL, then I'm going to run into this issues time and time again. I've decided to take smaller bites and work those to a place of confidence. I can, and I will.


"Some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them..." -Malvolio in Twelfth Night