Growth Mindset

This week there was a Shakespeare seminar hosted by one of my professors. All of the senior drama students were invited to participate. It was a night of scenes, monologues, and a talk back with the audience.

Personal photo from the evening.
Lead by Alissa Mortimer, our wonderful professor in red! 

Now, Shakespeare is not my favorite.

Don't get me wrong- I love Shakespeare. You'll never catch me saying that his work isn't the most wonderful and advanced of all the dramatic text ever to be conceived in this universe, ever. But the truth of the matter is that it intimidates me! I'm not a sit down and study type of person, not really, and Shakespeare's work demands so much table time. I'm trying to teach myself to really enjoy going through the script over and over, etc.

So, anyway, I decided to participate because, deep down, I didn't want to do it. I've always been an advocate for taking every opportunity (because if I don't, I'll feel guilty.) but that's proving to be a challenge now that I'm a senior and maybe a tad bit burnt out.

Five of us volunteered. Two of my friends and I decided to do a really short scene from Twelfth Night. I was playing Maria and I had literally four lines. But for whatever reason, I couldn't memorize one of them. It REFUSED to come out of my mouth!

The main reason I have a difficult time with Shakespeare is because of, you guessed it, fear. I fear having to learn all of those lines and remembering them with upmost clarity. Over time I've convinced myself that I suck at memorization. I knew I was going to mess up during our performance. I knew it. I was trying to convince myself, while we sat waiting, that I was going to be fine. I've played Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing. I've done multiple MULTIPLE Shakespeare scenes over the past two years. There was not a single reason why I couldn't RECITE ONE SILLY LINE.

So we start to perform and, wouldn't you guess it, I totally blanked. I kept a notecard in my back pocket and pulled it out, but even then I was speaking gibberish. But you know what- I just kept going. I switched my focus towards having fun with the rest of the scene. But even later in the night, when I performed my monologue, I blanked on a line (luckily I just went straight on ahead because I KNOW THIS PEICE DON'T PRETEND LIKE I DON'T, BRAIN).

During the talkback I made a comment about how I don't specifically find myself to be a very strong Shakespearean actor. Afterwords some audience members came up and asked me why I felt that way, and we shared some dialogue similar to what I'm saying now. One woman suggested that I go back to the start, and that I simplify my expectations of myself. I had also mentioned that I've never really fallen on my face like that during a performance, and a gentleman laughed at me and said, "See! That's your problem! You've got to fail in order to realize that everything is going to be okay. Your students will return the next day and the sun will rise."

Overall, I'm really glad that I had that experience. It was SUPER cool to talk with scholars about Shakespeare and to do a few pieces for them. I'm also appreciative for my floundering, because everything is okay. This lesson taught me that if I continue putting this unneeded pressure on myself to be this great actor who can do no wrong, and can perform it ALL, then I'm going to run into this issues time and time again. I've decided to take smaller bites and work those to a place of confidence. I can, and I will.


"Some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them..." -Malvolio in Twelfth Night