I love the pictures that you used in your story. They are so warm and inviting looking. I loved that your story fits with the title. They give everything a calm and eerie feeling. I also liked reading your story. It was the perfect example of karma, you do good. It come backs to you and if you do bad then you get bad back to you. Your story was realistic and the story of an everyday person. This could really happen to anyone, once someone paid for my starbucks. They did the pay it back thing, where they paid for the person behind them. It really made my day, just like I'm sure that would have made your day. I am rally looking forward to reading the rest of your stories. I am sure they are going to be just as realistic and easy to understand.
That opening paragraph had me straight away! There's a lot going on in this modern-day journey, I can tell, and I'm looking forward to finding out more. One way you might really take advantage of this introduction would be to spend some extra effort making sure the chronology is clear for the reader, so that we know where everything stands at the start of this. I can't quite tell if that first paragraph is something in Savanna's past (back in 2009-2011) or in her present. You might resolve this, if you want, by adding on a bit: "My name is Savanna. And in 2009, that's exactly how I felt. I needed some serious change." Also, when you say "Until that dream turned into a nightmare", I'm expecting an event, something that went wrong. What made 2009 the turning point? Why was that the year change became so necessary? Why mention the year at all? Maybe it's not event-driven, but rather a gradual, downward spiral into purposelessness. Still, it might be helpful to make that more explicit, and then give the reader something to bridge the gap to 2011. (E.g. "For the next two years, I felt...") You've got me super curious about her husband, too! Ending your first post with that little...note, really helps build intrigue. Perhaps too much, though! I think this introduction might be a great place to give some basic background about her marriage, even if it's way back in 2009 or before--just something to work off of, so that we can see how a change in that dynamic might have affected her. The stabler the setting is at the start, the easier it is to move from there!
It looks like you've got a great start on this project. The first paragraph is such a great hook that pulls in the reader immediately. I really like the first person narrative style you've gone with and the tone of the piece really makes it very easily approachable without having to worry about the language being too complex to distance your narrator from the reader. It's an excellent start overall. I will reiterate what Grant has already said and I think you might want to make it a little more clear for the reader as exactly where each piece occurs in time. This is more for formatting so that the reader isn't getting lost along the way. I'd also like to see a bit more background info since this is the introduction to the piece. It doesn't have to be much but just a little bit more would certainly help it along. It's a great start! I look forward to seeing it develop!
This is a great intro! I like the first-person format. I almost felt like I was reading a letter. You did a great job of implementing a personality into the writing. It was very evident and stayed consistent throughout. I only saw a few areas that could use improvement. In the second paragraph you say “Not change, like an increase in my Lexapro prescription. But change change.” These aren’t complete sentences. You might just consider revising this part! A few sentences later, it says “A nice car, a cute loft in the city, cushy career, and an.... attractive husband.” You might consider adding “I had” to the beginning to make it a more complete sentence. The same goes for “No purpose, no point, nothing” Other than those small suggestions, your story flowed seamlessly. You are a great writer. I really enjoyed reading this! It left me excited to find out what happens next! I can’t wait to read more!
I loved your story! I got about one paragraph in and I just wanted to keep reading! I love stories with this format! It was incredibly relate able and I cannot wait for you to continue. I am very curious to see what the husband will think of his wife's adventure. I am hoping you do some parts where we can see comparisons from how India is for Samantha as well as how her previous life used to be for her. I would love some comedic input from her husband. Maybe some letters back and forth? I would also love to see what her struggles are. Does she get more than she bargained for? I really do enjoy the format of your writing and I feel as though there is a great flow. There is so much that you can do with this story! I am excited to see what you come up with! Good luck!
I really love the concept that you are going for! I feel like this will sort of be a flight to the Indian Epics. I'm not sure if that's exactly the feel that you were going for, but it would definitely be cool. You're details are really powerful. When Savanna is nervous, I also feel nervous. My favorite part is when the Texan lady says "You're not going to find enlightenment in a hotel" because it provided some comic relief while still giving reflection. The addition of a video makes the experience for your character so real to me. I think it's great that at the end of story you remind us of the beginning in the airplane. Savanna is embarking on a crazy journey and I'm so excited to see what sort of shenanigans she will get into!
I loved Eat, Pray, Love! I have for sure seen the movie and I’m 90% sure that I’ve read the book, but I honestly can’t remember. Either way, I really love the idea of using the book as a jumping off point for starting a spiritual journey for your character. I’m assuming that you are deriving your stories from the religious side of the epics instead of the actual stories?
The only thing that I really noticed throughout your stories was some spacing issues. I don’t know if it maybe screwed up your formatting from swapping it from a doc to the actual website, but it seems a little funky. You have some spaces that look like they should be new paragraphs, but they don’t quite come across as new paragraphs. Just a little thing to maybe fix.
I’m really looking forward to returning to your storybook later this semester!
What a rich story you're starting to weave! I could honestly see this as the beginning of a much longer novel, or even a short story... either way, there is so much potential here! Out of curiosity, what Epic are you drawing from to write this story? There aren't a lot of unattended women in either the Ramayana or the Maharbata (though I think there should be), and I'm really interested to see what story you're attempting to emulate. Have you gotten a chance to watch the movie? I believe it stars Sara Jessica Parker (or someone similar)... might be fun to get some inspiration from the staged version! Also, I'm pretty sure that we all have a Natalie in our life... I'm a college student, and I still feel like there are a number of college students who are more hip and young than I am (I often am told that I'm a 65-year-old man in a 19-year-old).
Your first story shows a lot of promise for your storybook! I really like the direction your taking with it. It's a great idea to keep Savannah in India and explore this aspect of culture. I've never heard of an Ashram before so I'm quite interested to learn (the video makes me want to travel there too). I would watch your grammar and use of dialogue. Sometimes it can be difficult to tell who or what you're referencing. This is particularly true when you are introducing new characters like Natalie and Grace. You want the reader to wonder who this person is, but not be confused as to what is happening. Maybe you could say things like "As I'm lost in my own thoughts a woman begins to speak to me". I do like that you use italics to make Savannah's inner thoughts more realistic. However, I would use the ellipses less often in writing like this.
This was a really exciting storybook to dive into to start my assignment this morning so thank you! "I needed a serious change in my life. Not change, like an increase in my Lexapro prescription." This is such a fantastic line. I really think it is important to include lines like this when speaking in first person so great job on this. First person can be very difficult to write in, especially in the storybook format. I think you are doing a fantastic job! This is what first person is for and you are taking advantage of it. I really like the development of wanting to find a switch up in life to deciding that it was time to book a flight to India! Your airport and travel themed story was great. I really feel like I am experiencing the true travel story of this girl. Overall, great job on this storybook! I can't wait to check back!
The first thing that popped out to me was how included the video in your story. Having one of your characters pull it up was really great. It didn't seem like it was a random attachment, but like it belonged there. It made the story a good mix of media too.
I read the intro and the first story. They're both exteremly easy to read. When you get to the end there's no feeling of "well that took forever." Which is an odd thing to mark stories by, but it's key for me. I'm digging it all so far!
Cassandra, I love your introduction and I really enjoyed your first story! You painted a vivid picture of what was happening, not just of the scenery or the actual events taking place, but also within the mind of Savanna. I can tell just by the way language you use that you either know each of the references you bring up fairly well, or you have done a fantastic job of researching these things. One of my favorite parts of your storybook so far is in the introduction when Savanna tips the barista double her total, forgets her wallet, and then is immediately repaid for her act of kindness. By adding that to the story, you subtly introduced Karma as an important theme, which is indicative of a well-planned story. I am excited to see if you introduce more concepts like this. I do have just a couple of suggestions as far as wording or typos go. In your introduction, third paragraph –“I went out for coffee. Something to wake me up from this day, this week, this lifetime.”—I think you might be able to use a hyphen or something to connect those sentences to really make your point that Savanna is desperate for some sort of revival in her life. In your first story –“…it almost matched the sunset happening directly outside of the plane's window” –I think you could change happening to a more active verb. (BTW, at this point I’ll say I absolutely love the next part with the flight attendant.) Lastly, in the third paragraph, second part of your first story –“There is was again.” –just a minor typo from it to is. I’m really excited to see what you do with this storybook! Great job!
Hello Cassandra. Your introduction was very fun to read. I thought it was very interesting and well thought out with your descriptions. The emotions with this intro was very intense which I think really help you set up this story for the rest of the semester. In the beginning I was having a little trouble following what all was happening but after reading through all the way to the end of the story then reading it again I found no problem following throughout the whole introduction. I really like how you set up Savannah. The way she is worried and frightened about the trip and meeting this women is what made her actually take a step off the edge. I really enjoyed this phrase that you had in your story. I am looking forward to seeing how Savanna might be able to find enlightenment through the Ashrams. Thanks for the good read.
I love the premise of your story! Really cool to have this woman "finding herself"! I like how you both reference and poke fun at the whole "read Eat Pray Love" thing, haha. I'm just wondering what happened to the husband though? Why was she so unhappy in her life? I was slightly confused by what happened to make her want to leave everything. I like how she decides to throw herself in though! I'm really excited for the main character haha, and hope she has a great time! I like the "step off the edge" thing as well and how that symbolizes how she needs to let go. I also really liked how she felt like she needed to prove something to the college girl at first but quickly realized that that was silly and she didn't need to do that. Can't wait to read about her other adventures!
Hey, Cassandra! So many people come to India for that enlightenment and I love how you decided to tell this story. I feel like Savannah is an incredibly relatable character because so many of us would be terrified to pick up our lives and not just move to another part of the world but also the idea of living a totally different way too! I was a little confused at the beginning because she I thought that plane ride with Natalie was her going to Bangalore. Is there a way you could tell us that she was in a plane on the way to Atlanta? I mean, I figured it out after I read the second section but maybe adding that detail would help set the first and make the transition easier to follow. Other than that, I think you did wonderful! At first, I didn't think this would be all that interesting, but halfway through, I realized you had my undivided attention. Your use of details and character development really bought the story to life! Great Job! Im curious what happens next!
Hey, Cassandra. I just finished reading "The Wheel Starts Turning" in your storybook. Here are a few thoughts on it:
Looking back at your first three or four lines, I notice that you switch from past tense into present. The rest of the story is in present tense; is it safe to assume the past-tense beginning is just an instinctive typo?
Savanna comments on Grace's "attire and overall essence". It sound like you have an image in your head for this, and I'd love to see it. Do you think you could give us some more description?
"It's this... Hilton Hotel? It got... four and a half stars online..." I love how Savanna, for all her good intentions, is still kind of doing it wrong. Bless her, she just doesn't know how! Good thing Grace comes along (and we get a little laugh at Eat, Pray, Love). The bit with the Cinnabon at the end is a nice touch, too. I'm looking forward to the next part!
I really enjoyed reading more from your storybook! If I remember correctly, I think you have edited the intro quite a bit? It is looking amazing! It flows very well and is a great introduction to your story. I was really excited to read your first story and I was NOT disappointed. I LOVE your main character. She is so relatable, and I honestly love following her journey. I think they strongest aspect of your storybook is her personal it is. The personality absolutely shines through your writing and I feel as if I’m watching it unfold in real life. It is so easy to visualize. Definitely keep up the personality! I think it is the defining aspect. I feel like I know your characters personally and that is exactly what good writers accomplish. Like I said before, it is really easy to relate to Savanna. It makes me think I need to read Eat, Pray, Love! This was so much fun to read. I can't wait to see what happens. I'm excited to read more!
This is my first time returning to a storybook and I am absolutely thrilled that this is the first one that I was able to come back to read. From the first time I read your storybook, I remember absolutely loving your travel theme you have going on for your project. I love how your first person point of view was explaining to Grace that you were staying at a Hilton hotel in India and it was given four and a half stars so it was of extreme quality. I enjoyed Grace's reaction as she convinces you that you may want to reconsider where you are staying in order to find your enlightenment. I found myself trying not to laugh when your first person point of view begin to explain how you have entered a new perspective on life and Grace is just yawning. The humor continuous when she explains that she just took a healthy amount of tranquilizer. Your storybook is coming along nicely and I'm excited to see the finished product!
Your blog is one of the ones that I hunt for for my free choice! It is one of my favorite ones to read! I love everything about it! The concept, the format, the tone. Savanna is incredibly realistic and that makes her even more like-able. For this second post, I did enjoy the movement forward, but I wish that we got a little bit more of an insight into what she had done. Maybe follow her reading the text? Allow for us to see what those trigger words were? Have some flashbacks about what she did to her co-workers or share a specific incident that she wasn't proud of at all. I also would like more information into why she felt that her husband resented her, because you are right. It IS a very strong word. Perhaps some experience or statement from him could help us better understand? How is the husband doing by the way? Has he found out that she is gone yet? IS he looking for her? Is he worried?
I always come back every week to read your newest post. You have me addicted. I can't stop and I won't stop either. I really do enjoy your story. I have grown attached to Savanna. I feel as though I can read it as a book from cover to cover and still not get bored. I am constantly amazed at how you come up with better and better continuations of the story. You manage to create suspense and keep us waiting with every small bit! It is a great trait as a writer. I still agree with my last comment. I feel that we need some background to Savanna's husband. Perhaps something from the other point of view or some understanding into their relationship so that we don't feel for just Savanna but feel for the couple as a whole. I am eagerly awaiting for your next post! Great job and Keep up the great work!
Hi, Cassandra! I just now have found your storybook and I must say I really enjoyed it. The story is much more modern than some of the other storybooks and portfolios and I like that. I have not read Eat. Pray. Love but have heard loads about it. It's been on my reading list for quite some time now so maybe it is time I read it. Maybe you can add a link on where to find it or even a little overview of the book. At first I was not sure what story you were going off of but when The Banished Girls, I was like A ha! I read that story and really enjoyed it! The web page was a little confusing. I might suggest adding Introduction or some kind of label before the title of the story. Such as "Introduction: My name is Savanna". Just to help with the reader and make sure we read the stories in order. Other than that great job!
I really like the concept of someone who's not part of the ancient Indian epics going and exploring the places where they took place. It gives the reader a perspective that's probably closer to their own. Overall, I think was a strong story. The story of someone being inspired to visit India lends us an outsider's perspective. It lends a mystery to the setting that the epics might overlook. In terms of formatting, I would suggest breaking up some of the paragraphs. There are several places where lines of dialogue by multiple people are in the same paragraph. It makes it hard to determine who's talking and when they started talking. The divisions between paragraphs and sections are also kind of confusing. There are either dashed lines between them or an empty line. I'd suggest finding a way to standardize these transitions between sections. If the dash line transitions are large enough, you might consider turning these sections into their own chapters.
Hey Cassandra! I myself have not read Eat, Pray, Love, but I have seen the movie and have to admit it is pretty inspiring. I really love that you have thrown this woman into a complete life shift, which I’m sure most of us feel like we could use every once in a while. Adding from a few others’ comments, I do agree that giving the readers a better sense of time passing would be very helpful to clarify the stories. I also love the images you’ve used because they put the readers in the right mindset and help set the scene. I liked that you used a pretty good amount of dialogue throughout your stories. I personally think that makes a really big difference in how well a reader can follow the stories. I will now have to go pick up a version of Eat, Pray, Love (or have someone else pick it up for me, hah!). I can’t wait to read more of your stories!
Your introduction story was really easy to relate to and extremely captivating. I like how Savanna by chance overhears those women talking about the book, and that simple action sets off a chain of events that allow her to travel to India. The Introduction is written in such a way that makes it not so far fetched. She's in a coffee shop and casually overhears something, which happens to people every day. The way you leave it at a cliffhanger makes the reader anxious to read the next installment of Savanna's story.
I loved how much humor you put into your second story. We've all had our fair share of interactions with "Natalie", that know-it-all girl from our classes. It was so funny! It was a great idea to include the video too. Savanna's chance encounter with Grace was exactly what your story about enlightenment needed.Can't wait to hear more about Savanna's stay at Sangha. I wonder how she's going to like it...
Hi Cassandra! You story is so good and I really enjoy what I've read so far! I think that it is a very fun way to retell many of the Indian epics that we've gotten a chance to read in class. I also really like the fact that you tied in Eat, Pray, Love to your storybook. I remember I saw the Julia Roberts film adaptation when it came out a few years ago. I wasn't too big of a fan then, but I really think I would appreciate it now! Tying Eat, Pray, Love into your storybook combines the classical Indian epics with this new, modern Indian tale and I think that that is a really neat thing to do! The way that you retold The Banished Girls was very interesting because you didn't explicitly retell the story, rather you told the outcome of the story. I think that this was a very good way to go about doing this! I really enjoyed your story and I'm excited to read more!
Hi Cassandra! Let me just start by saying that you are one talented writer. Many people, including myself, tend to write like we talk. However, the format of your story was written in such a unique way. In a sense, it does follow the way in which we talk, but it also doesn’t. I just found your style of writing to be such a different one and it made me want to read more. I really like how you’ve portrayed Savanah as this girl who’s not really sure of where she’s going. I’m pretty sure that topic hits home with many of us out there, including myself. The way in which you use descriptive language in order to help the audience visualize what you are visualizing is very good. Thanks to that, I was able to really paint a picture of the scene you were portraying. I am really excited to see how your storybook progresses!
Hi Cassandra! I have actually never seen or read Eat, Pray, Love, but the premise of traveling to find yourself or as a way to cope is something that probably resonates with people who can. It offers a different perspective, and after meeting Savanna in the introduction, it's just what she needs. What I really enjoyed about the intro was how conversational it was. I generally have a lot of difficulty writing that way and it's always impressive to me when people get it right. The main character is also pretty sympathetic and is easy to identify with, and at the same time her ability to connect with others is also pretty special. As for your first story, I like how you portrayed her anxiety as far as actually traveling and stepping out of her comfort zone. Obviously India is home for me, but I can imagine that it would be crazy difficult to go somewhere across the world where you didn't know anyone and didn't speak the language. Overall, it's a pretty nice read. There are a few simple errors as far as spelling and grammar, but nothing that has detracted from the experience. I look forward to seeing what else you come up with!
Wow, I could not stop reading! You are an excellent writer! The story flowed very well and I felt as though I was right in the middle of it all. You did great job introducing the characters and the story line. I was a little confused what epic you were retelling the first section. The author’s note explained it all but I think it would be less confusing if maybe you explained the story a little more from Savannah’s perspective rather than just in the author’s note. I like how the story was related to her own life but most of the audience has not read that story so we were unaware of why that story she read had such a profound affect on her. One other thing I would add is having all your stories be visible on the sitemap on the left. It was hard to find your third story because it was imbedded in the other rather than on the sitemap. Other than that, everything was perfect about your storybook. What a fantastic job!
Hi I'm back again this week because I loved your stories so much! I love how you are able to have an entire storyline that’s fluid and intriguing with its own plot and characters yet still is a retelling of the epics. I’m impressed with the creativity it takes to do that. I’m very curious as to what story you adapted for this week’s story, “One Flew Under the Bodhi Tree.” It looks like you still have to write your author’s note so I’m sure you’ll explain it there. This Rav character is interesting and I like how you developed his character. I think the main character’s reaction would have fit better if Rav had done something a little more dramatic like kissed her instead of just reaching for her hand. Because Savannah didn’t seem too close to her husband, heck, she didn’t even tell him she was going to India, her reaction to hand holding seemed a little bit extreme. Of course, that’s a minor detail and just something I’m bringing up cause I can’t find anything else to say about your storybook. It’s absolutely beautiful! Great job!
Hi again, Cassandra! I honestly think that you could write an amazing book. Your stories are so unique in that when you first read them, they don’t make much sense. But then as you continue to follow the story, the storyline starts to fall into place piece-by-piece and it makes for such an interesting read. My favorite story in your storybook would definitely have to be “One Flew under the Bodhi Tree”. I love reading anything that contains any romance because I believe it makes the plot so much more interesting. In the end, I am glad that Savanna decided to stay true to her goal and not stray off of the path that she wanted to follow. There was just one odd thing that I noticed. When you click on the story “The Wheels Start Turning”, another story called “Namastay in Bed” appears. That story is the same as the story “Namastay in the Garden. It appears as if the second story is the revised one and that you had just forgot to delete the “Namastay in Bed” one. That is all I had to say. I really enjoyed reading your stories. They gave me a refreshed mindset. Keep up the good work!
So far, your storybook is one of my favorites. I've read the first two stories and you really have me hooked. I'm super intrigued by all that has lead up to Savana's trip to India. It was just fate for her to meet everyone she has met thus far. You can tell she is scared about this new adventure but luckily she keeps meeting encouraging people who are pushing her in the right direction. I really hope she is able to find enlightenment on her journey. It is so easy for our lives to become stagnant. I feel like living our lives with passion can be a hard thing to do. I always search for things and people who make me feel alive. I can tell that Savana just needs something new to wake her up again. I can't wait to read the rest of your storybook when its not 2am. I really like your style of writing, too!
Hi Cassandra! I’ve seen your storybook a couple of times now and I think you’ve done a really great job with progressing it to the point it is at. Last time I read your storybook, you had just added the first story. I read the second story and I really like premise of showing the main character begin a transition into a more peaceful state. I found a couple of very small typos, just a missing word or letter, but nothing crazy. I love how everything takes a turn with your third story and I definitely enjoyed the ideas you present and the way you present them in the third story. I think the transition between the second and third story, with the little comment by Grace at the end could be worked in a little differently, maybe a little earlier in the second story as an aside or even in the third story as a suggestion by Grace for Savanna to refocus on why she’s in India. I hope there’s a fourth story so I can find out what happens! The author’s note definitely has me wondering! Overall, I think this is a great storybook!
Right off of the bat you created this image of a person in my head. You did such a great job describing the scene and pulling me into the story. The little bits of humor stuck in there every once in a while are perfect! They add such a strong character piece into the story. (Love the reference to Lexapro! Too funny!!) I love how your intro reads. It was like watching a movie. I literally imagined someone skipping or at least thinking of skipping to the barista. Honestly I think this story could be made into a book or a movie. It has such a strong sense of direction and purpose I really enjoyed reading it. Your use of italics brought another layer into the voice of the story (even though it is often used in her thoughts and not always dialog). On that note, your dialog in on point. The conversations could have easily happened in real life and it feels like I was the one in the story. Really great job with this! Thanks for sharing, good luck with dead week and finals!!
I really liked your stories and your storybook this semester. Way back when, so September, you said that our sense of humor would let us get along well. I definitely think that happened. Pretty much everything you wrote clicked with me right away. I can’t think of a single entry that I wasn’t on board with. This is a random thing to comment on, but I liked all the pictures you chose for your Storybook too. They all fit really well. I also liked the caption “Sunrise, Sunset,” since you mentioned that was your favorite place on your blog. I think you did a great job tying your stories together. Using different parts of one trip was clever. It’s also extremely natural. It just flowed really well from story to story. I also liked how Eat. Pray. Love. was the inspiration for Savannah, and her own journey had strong similarities to the book.
I love the pictures that you used in your story. They are so warm and inviting looking. I loved that your story fits with the title. They give everything a calm and eerie feeling. I also liked reading your story. It was the perfect example of karma, you do good. It come backs to you and if you do bad then you get bad back to you. Your story was realistic and the story of an everyday person. This could really happen to anyone, once someone paid for my starbucks. They did the pay it back thing, where they paid for the person behind them. It really made my day, just like I'm sure that would have made your day. I am rally looking forward to reading the rest of your stories. I am sure they are going to be just as realistic and easy to understand.
ReplyDeleteThat opening paragraph had me straight away! There's a lot going on in this modern-day journey, I can tell, and I'm looking forward to finding out more. One way you might really take advantage of this introduction would be to spend some extra effort making sure the chronology is clear for the reader, so that we know where everything stands at the start of this.
ReplyDeleteI can't quite tell if that first paragraph is something in Savanna's past (back in 2009-2011) or in her present. You might resolve this, if you want, by adding on a bit: "My name is Savanna. And in 2009, that's exactly how I felt. I needed some serious change."
Also, when you say "Until that dream turned into a nightmare", I'm expecting an event, something that went wrong. What made 2009 the turning point? Why was that the year change became so necessary? Why mention the year at all? Maybe it's not event-driven, but rather a gradual, downward spiral into purposelessness. Still, it might be helpful to make that more explicit, and then give the reader something to bridge the gap to 2011. (E.g. "For the next two years, I felt...")
You've got me super curious about her husband, too! Ending your first post with that little...note, really helps build intrigue. Perhaps too much, though! I think this introduction might be a great place to give some basic background about her marriage, even if it's way back in 2009 or before--just something to work off of, so that we can see how a change in that dynamic might have affected her. The stabler the setting is at the start, the easier it is to move from there!
It looks like you've got a great start on this project. The first paragraph is such a great hook that pulls in the reader immediately. I really like the first person narrative style you've gone with and the tone of the piece really makes it very easily approachable without having to worry about the language being too complex to distance your narrator from the reader. It's an excellent start overall. I will reiterate what Grant has already said and I think you might want to make it a little more clear for the reader as exactly where each piece occurs in time. This is more for formatting so that the reader isn't getting lost along the way. I'd also like to see a bit more background info since this is the introduction to the piece. It doesn't have to be much but just a little bit more would certainly help it along. It's a great start! I look forward to seeing it develop!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great intro! I like the first-person format. I almost felt like I was reading a letter. You did a great job of implementing a personality into the writing. It was very evident and stayed consistent throughout.
ReplyDeleteI only saw a few areas that could use improvement. In the second paragraph you say “Not change, like an increase in my Lexapro prescription. But change change.” These aren’t complete sentences. You might just consider revising this part!
A few sentences later, it says “A nice car, a cute loft in the city, cushy career, and an.... attractive husband.” You might consider adding “I had” to the beginning to make it a more complete sentence. The same goes for “No purpose, no point, nothing”
Other than those small suggestions, your story flowed seamlessly. You are a great writer. I really enjoyed reading this! It left me excited to find out what happens next! I can’t wait to read more!
I loved your story! I got about one paragraph in and I just wanted to keep reading! I love stories with this format! It was incredibly relate able and I cannot wait for you to continue. I am very curious to see what the husband will think of his wife's adventure. I am hoping you do some parts where we can see comparisons from how India is for Samantha as well as how her previous life used to be for her. I would love some comedic input from her husband. Maybe some letters back and forth? I would also love to see what her struggles are. Does she get more than she bargained for? I really do enjoy the format of your writing and I feel as though there is a great flow. There is so much that you can do with this story! I am excited to see what you come up with! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI really love the concept that you are going for! I feel like this will sort of be a flight to the Indian Epics. I'm not sure if that's exactly the feel that you were going for, but it would definitely be cool. You're details are really powerful. When Savanna is nervous, I also feel nervous. My favorite part is when the Texan lady says "You're not going to find enlightenment in a hotel" because it provided some comic relief while still giving reflection. The addition of a video makes the experience for your character so real to me. I think it's great that at the end of story you remind us of the beginning in the airplane. Savanna is embarking on a crazy journey and I'm so excited to see what sort of shenanigans she will get into!
ReplyDeleteI loved Eat, Pray, Love! I have for sure seen the movie and I’m 90% sure that I’ve read the book, but I honestly can’t remember. Either way, I really love the idea of using the book as a jumping off point for starting a spiritual journey for your character. I’m assuming that you are deriving your stories from the religious side of the epics instead of the actual stories?
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that I really noticed throughout your stories was some spacing issues. I don’t know if it maybe screwed up your formatting from swapping it from a doc to the actual website, but it seems a little funky. You have some spaces that look like they should be new paragraphs, but they don’t quite come across as new paragraphs. Just a little thing to maybe fix.
I’m really looking forward to returning to your storybook later this semester!
What a rich story you're starting to weave! I could honestly see this as the beginning of a much longer novel, or even a short story... either way, there is so much potential here! Out of curiosity, what Epic are you drawing from to write this story? There aren't a lot of unattended women in either the Ramayana or the Maharbata (though I think there should be), and I'm really interested to see what story you're attempting to emulate. Have you gotten a chance to watch the movie? I believe it stars Sara Jessica Parker (or someone similar)... might be fun to get some inspiration from the staged version! Also, I'm pretty sure that we all have a Natalie in our life... I'm a college student, and I still feel like there are a number of college students who are more hip and young than I am (I often am told that I'm a 65-year-old man in a 19-year-old).
ReplyDeleteYour first story shows a lot of promise for your storybook! I really like the direction your taking with it. It's a great idea to keep Savannah in India and explore this aspect of culture. I've never heard of an Ashram before so I'm quite interested to learn (the video makes me want to travel there too). I would watch your grammar and use of dialogue. Sometimes it can be difficult to tell who or what you're referencing. This is particularly true when you are introducing new characters like Natalie and Grace. You want the reader to wonder who this person is, but not be confused as to what is happening. Maybe you could say things like "As I'm lost in my own thoughts a woman begins to speak to me". I do like that you use italics to make Savannah's inner thoughts more realistic. However, I would use the ellipses less often in writing like this.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really exciting storybook to dive into to start my assignment this morning so thank you! "I needed a serious change in my life. Not change, like an increase in my Lexapro prescription." This is such a fantastic line. I really think it is important to include lines like this when speaking in first person so great job on this. First person can be very difficult to write in, especially in the storybook format. I think you are doing a fantastic job! This is what first person is for and you are taking advantage of it. I really like the development of wanting to find a switch up in life to deciding that it was time to book a flight to India! Your airport and travel themed story was great. I really feel like I am experiencing the true travel story of this girl. Overall, great job on this storybook! I can't wait to check back!
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that popped out to me was how included the video in your story. Having one of your characters pull it up was really great. It didn't seem like it was a random attachment, but like it belonged there. It made the story a good mix of media too.
ReplyDeleteI read the intro and the first story. They're both exteremly easy to read. When you get to the end there's no feeling of "well that took forever." Which is an odd thing to mark stories by, but it's key for me. I'm digging it all so far!
Cassandra, I love your introduction and I really enjoyed your first story! You painted a vivid picture of what was happening, not just of the scenery or the actual events taking place, but also within the mind of Savanna. I can tell just by the way language you use that you either know each of the references you bring up fairly well, or you have done a fantastic job of researching these things. One of my favorite parts of your storybook so far is in the introduction when Savanna tips the barista double her total, forgets her wallet, and then is immediately repaid for her act of kindness. By adding that to the story, you subtly introduced Karma as an important theme, which is indicative of a well-planned story. I am excited to see if you introduce more concepts like this.
ReplyDeleteI do have just a couple of suggestions as far as wording or typos go. In your introduction, third paragraph –“I went out for coffee. Something to wake me up from this day, this week, this lifetime.”—I think you might be able to use a hyphen or something to connect those sentences to really make your point that Savanna is desperate for some sort of revival in her life. In your first story –“…it almost matched the sunset happening directly outside of the plane's window” –I think you could change happening to a more active verb. (BTW, at this point I’ll say I absolutely love the next part with the flight attendant.) Lastly, in the third paragraph, second part of your first story –“There is was again.” –just a minor typo from it to is.
I’m really excited to see what you do with this storybook! Great job!
Hello Cassandra. Your introduction was very fun to read. I thought it was very interesting and well thought out with your descriptions. The emotions with this intro was very intense which I think really help you set up this story for the rest of the semester. In the beginning I was having a little trouble following what all was happening but after reading through all the way to the end of the story then reading it again I found no problem following throughout the whole introduction. I really like how you set up Savannah. The way she is worried and frightened about the trip and meeting this women is what made her actually take a step off the edge. I really enjoyed this phrase that you had in your story. I am looking forward to seeing how Savanna might be able to find enlightenment through the Ashrams. Thanks for the good read.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise of your story! Really cool to have this woman "finding herself"! I like how you both reference and poke fun at the whole "read Eat Pray Love" thing, haha. I'm just wondering what happened to the husband though? Why was she so unhappy in her life? I was slightly confused by what happened to make her want to leave everything. I like how she decides to throw herself in though! I'm really excited for the main character haha, and hope she has a great time! I like the "step off the edge" thing as well and how that symbolizes how she needs to let go. I also really liked how she felt like she needed to prove something to the college girl at first but quickly realized that that was silly and she didn't need to do that. Can't wait to read about her other adventures!
ReplyDeleteHey, Cassandra! So many people come to India for that enlightenment and I love how you decided to tell this story. I feel like Savannah is an incredibly relatable character because so many of us would be terrified to pick up our lives and not just move to another part of the world but also the idea of living a totally different way too! I was a little confused at the beginning because she I thought that plane ride with Natalie was her going to Bangalore. Is there a way you could tell us that she was in a plane on the way to Atlanta? I mean, I figured it out after I read the second section but maybe adding that detail would help set the first and make the transition easier to follow.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I think you did wonderful! At first, I didn't think this would be all that interesting, but halfway through, I realized you had my undivided attention. Your use of details and character development really bought the story to life! Great Job! Im curious what happens next!
Hey, Cassandra. I just finished reading "The Wheel Starts Turning" in your storybook. Here are a few thoughts on it:
ReplyDeleteLooking back at your first three or four lines, I notice that you switch from past tense into present. The rest of the story is in present tense; is it safe to assume the past-tense beginning is just an instinctive typo?
Savanna comments on Grace's "attire and overall essence". It sound like you have an image in your head for this, and I'd love to see it. Do you think you could give us some more description?
"It's this... Hilton Hotel? It got... four and a half stars online..." I love how Savanna, for all her good intentions, is still kind of doing it wrong. Bless her, she just doesn't know how! Good thing Grace comes along (and we get a little laugh at Eat, Pray, Love). The bit with the Cinnabon at the end is a nice touch, too. I'm looking forward to the next part!
I really enjoyed reading more from your storybook! If I remember correctly, I think you have edited the intro quite a bit? It is looking amazing! It flows very well and is a great introduction to your story. I was really excited to read your first story and I was NOT disappointed. I LOVE your main character. She is so relatable, and I honestly love following her journey. I think they strongest aspect of your storybook is her personal it is. The personality absolutely shines through your writing and I feel as if I’m watching it unfold in real life. It is so easy to visualize. Definitely keep up the personality! I think it is the defining aspect. I feel like I know your characters personally and that is exactly what good writers accomplish. Like I said before, it is really easy to relate to Savanna. It makes me think I need to read Eat, Pray, Love! This was so much fun to read. I can't wait to see what happens. I'm excited to read more!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time returning to a storybook and I am absolutely thrilled that this is the first one that I was able to come back to read. From the first time I read your storybook, I remember absolutely loving your travel theme you have going on for your project. I love how your first person point of view was explaining to Grace that you were staying at a Hilton hotel in India and it was given four and a half stars so it was of extreme quality. I enjoyed Grace's reaction as she convinces you that you may want to reconsider where you are staying in order to find your enlightenment. I found myself trying not to laugh when your first person point of view begin to explain how you have entered a new perspective on life and Grace is just yawning. The humor continuous when she explains that she just took a healthy amount of tranquilizer. Your storybook is coming along nicely and I'm excited to see the finished product!
ReplyDeleteYour blog is one of the ones that I hunt for for my free choice! It is one of my favorite ones to read! I love everything about it! The concept, the format, the tone. Savanna is incredibly realistic and that makes her even more like-able. For this second post, I did enjoy the movement forward, but I wish that we got a little bit more of an insight into what she had done. Maybe follow her reading the text? Allow for us to see what those trigger words were? Have some flashbacks about what she did to her co-workers or share a specific incident that she wasn't proud of at all. I also would like more information into why she felt that her husband resented her, because you are right. It IS a very strong word. Perhaps some experience or statement from him could help us better understand? How is the husband doing by the way? Has he found out that she is gone yet? IS he looking for her? Is he worried?
ReplyDeleteI always come back every week to read your newest post. You have me addicted. I can't stop and I won't stop either. I really do enjoy your story. I have grown attached to Savanna. I feel as though I can read it as a book from cover to cover and still not get bored. I am constantly amazed at how you come up with better and better continuations of the story. You manage to create suspense and keep us waiting with every small bit! It is a great trait as a writer. I still agree with my last comment. I feel that we need some background to Savanna's husband. Perhaps something from the other point of view or some understanding into their relationship so that we don't feel for just Savanna but feel for the couple as a whole. I am eagerly awaiting for your next post! Great job and Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteHi, Cassandra! I just now have found your storybook and I must say I really enjoyed it. The story is much more modern than some of the other storybooks and portfolios and I like that. I have not read Eat. Pray. Love but have heard loads about it. It's been on my reading list for quite some time now so maybe it is time I read it. Maybe you can add a link on where to find it or even a little overview of the book. At first I was not sure what story you were going off of but when The Banished Girls, I was like A ha! I read that story and really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteThe web page was a little confusing. I might suggest adding Introduction or some kind of label before the title of the story. Such as "Introduction: My name is Savanna". Just to help with the reader and make sure we read the stories in order. Other than that great job!
I really like the concept of someone who's not part of the ancient Indian epics going and exploring the places where they took place. It gives the reader a perspective that's probably closer to their own.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think was a strong story. The story of someone being inspired to visit India lends us an outsider's perspective. It lends a mystery to the setting that the epics might overlook.
In terms of formatting, I would suggest breaking up some of the paragraphs. There are several places where lines of dialogue by multiple people are in the same paragraph. It makes it hard to determine who's talking and when they started talking.
The divisions between paragraphs and sections are also kind of confusing. There are either dashed lines between them or an empty line. I'd suggest finding a way to standardize these transitions between sections. If the dash line transitions are large enough, you might consider turning these sections into their own chapters.
Hey Cassandra! I myself have not read Eat, Pray, Love, but I have seen the movie and have to admit it is pretty inspiring. I really love that you have thrown this woman into a complete life shift, which I’m sure most of us feel like we could use every once in a while. Adding from a few others’ comments, I do agree that giving the readers a better sense of time passing would be very helpful to clarify the stories. I also love the images you’ve used because they put the readers in the right mindset and help set the scene. I liked that you used a pretty good amount of dialogue throughout your stories. I personally think that makes a really big difference in how well a reader can follow the stories. I will now have to go pick up a version of Eat, Pray, Love (or have someone else pick it up for me, hah!). I can’t wait to read more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteYour introduction story was really easy to relate to and extremely captivating. I like how Savanna by chance overhears those women talking about the book, and that simple action sets off a chain of events that allow her to travel to India. The Introduction is written in such a way that makes it not so far fetched. She's in a coffee shop and casually overhears something, which happens to people every day. The way you leave it at a cliffhanger makes the reader anxious to read the next installment of Savanna's story.
ReplyDeleteI loved how much humor you put into your second story. We've all had our fair share of interactions with "Natalie", that know-it-all girl from our classes. It was so funny! It was a great idea to include the video too. Savanna's chance encounter with Grace was exactly what your story about enlightenment needed.Can't wait to hear more about Savanna's stay at Sangha. I wonder how she's going to like it...
Hi Cassandra! You story is so good and I really enjoy what I've read so far! I think that it is a very fun way to retell many of the Indian epics that we've gotten a chance to read in class. I also really like the fact that you tied in Eat, Pray, Love to your storybook. I remember I saw the Julia Roberts film adaptation when it came out a few years ago. I wasn't too big of a fan then, but I really think I would appreciate it now! Tying Eat, Pray, Love into your storybook combines the classical Indian epics with this new, modern Indian tale and I think that that is a really neat thing to do! The way that you retold The Banished Girls was very interesting because you didn't explicitly retell the story, rather you told the outcome of the story. I think that this was a very good way to go about doing this! I really enjoyed your story and I'm excited to read more!
ReplyDeleteHi Cassandra! Let me just start by saying that you are one talented writer. Many people, including myself, tend to write like we talk. However, the format of your story was written in such a unique way. In a sense, it does follow the way in which we talk, but it also doesn’t. I just found your style of writing to be such a different one and it made me want to read more. I really like how you’ve portrayed Savanah as this girl who’s not really sure of where she’s going. I’m pretty sure that topic hits home with many of us out there, including myself. The way in which you use descriptive language in order to help the audience visualize what you are visualizing is very good. Thanks to that, I was able to really paint a picture of the scene you were portraying. I am really excited to see how your storybook progresses!
ReplyDeleteHi Cassandra! I have actually never seen or read Eat, Pray, Love, but the premise of traveling to find yourself or as a way to cope is something that probably resonates with people who can. It offers a different perspective, and after meeting Savanna in the introduction, it's just what she needs.
ReplyDeleteWhat I really enjoyed about the intro was how conversational it was. I generally have a lot of difficulty writing that way and it's always impressive to me when people get it right. The main character is also pretty sympathetic and is easy to identify with, and at the same time her ability to connect with others is also pretty special.
As for your first story, I like how you portrayed her anxiety as far as actually traveling and stepping out of her comfort zone. Obviously India is home for me, but I can imagine that it would be crazy difficult to go somewhere across the world where you didn't know anyone and didn't speak the language. Overall, it's a pretty nice read. There are a few simple errors as far as spelling and grammar, but nothing that has detracted from the experience.
I look forward to seeing what else you come up with!
Wow, I could not stop reading! You are an excellent writer! The story flowed very well and I felt as though I was right in the middle of it all. You did great job introducing the characters and the story line. I was a little confused what epic you were retelling the first section. The author’s note explained it all but I think it would be less confusing if maybe you explained the story a little more from Savannah’s perspective rather than just in the author’s note. I like how the story was related to her own life but most of the audience has not read that story so we were unaware of why that story she read had such a profound affect on her. One other thing I would add is having all your stories be visible on the sitemap on the left. It was hard to find your third story because it was imbedded in the other rather than on the sitemap. Other than that, everything was perfect about your storybook. What a fantastic job!
ReplyDeleteHi I'm back again this week because I loved your stories so much! I love how you are able to have an entire storyline that’s fluid and intriguing with its own plot and characters yet still is a retelling of the epics. I’m impressed with the creativity it takes to do that. I’m very curious as to what story you adapted for this week’s story, “One Flew Under the Bodhi Tree.” It looks like you still have to write your author’s note so I’m sure you’ll explain it there. This Rav character is interesting and I like how you developed his character. I think the main character’s reaction would have fit better if Rav had done something a little more dramatic like kissed her instead of just reaching for her hand. Because Savannah didn’t seem too close to her husband, heck, she didn’t even tell him she was going to India, her reaction to hand holding seemed a little bit extreme. Of course, that’s a minor detail and just something I’m bringing up cause I can’t find anything else to say about your storybook. It’s absolutely beautiful! Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi again, Cassandra! I honestly think that you could write an amazing book. Your stories are so unique in that when you first read them, they don’t make much sense. But then as you continue to follow the story, the storyline starts to fall into place piece-by-piece and it makes for such an interesting read. My favorite story in your storybook would definitely have to be “One Flew under the Bodhi Tree”. I love reading anything that contains any romance because I believe it makes the plot so much more interesting. In the end, I am glad that Savanna decided to stay true to her goal and not stray off of the path that she wanted to follow. There was just one odd thing that I noticed. When you click on the story “The Wheels Start Turning”, another story called “Namastay in Bed” appears. That story is the same as the story “Namastay in the Garden. It appears as if the second story is the revised one and that you had just forgot to delete the “Namastay in Bed” one. That is all I had to say. I really enjoyed reading your stories. They gave me a refreshed mindset. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteSo far, your storybook is one of my favorites. I've read the first two stories and you really have me hooked. I'm super intrigued by all that has lead up to Savana's trip to India. It was just fate for her to meet everyone she has met thus far. You can tell she is scared about this new adventure but luckily she keeps meeting encouraging people who are pushing her in the right direction. I really hope she is able to find enlightenment on her journey. It is so easy for our lives to become stagnant. I feel like living our lives with passion can be a hard thing to do. I always search for things and people who make me feel alive. I can tell that Savana just needs something new to wake her up again. I can't wait to read the rest of your storybook when its not 2am. I really like your style of writing, too!
ReplyDeleteHi Cassandra! I’ve seen your storybook a couple of times now and I think you’ve done a really great job with progressing it to the point it is at. Last time I read your storybook, you had just added the first story. I read the second story and I really like premise of showing the main character begin a transition into a more peaceful state. I found a couple of very small typos, just a missing word or letter, but nothing crazy. I love how everything takes a turn with your third story and I definitely enjoyed the ideas you present and the way you present them in the third story. I think the transition between the second and third story, with the little comment by Grace at the end could be worked in a little differently, maybe a little earlier in the second story as an aside or even in the third story as a suggestion by Grace for Savanna to refocus on why she’s in India. I hope there’s a fourth story so I can find out what happens! The author’s note definitely has me wondering! Overall, I think this is a great storybook!
ReplyDeleteRight off of the bat you created this image of a person in my head. You did such a great job describing the scene and pulling me into the story. The little bits of humor stuck in there every once in a while are perfect! They add such a strong character piece into the story. (Love the reference to Lexapro! Too funny!!) I love how your intro reads. It was like watching a movie. I literally imagined someone skipping or at least thinking of skipping to the barista. Honestly I think this story could be made into a book or a movie. It has such a strong sense of direction and purpose I really enjoyed reading it. Your use of italics brought another layer into the voice of the story (even though it is often used in her thoughts and not always dialog). On that note, your dialog in on point. The conversations could have easily happened in real life and it feels like I was the one in the story. Really great job with this! Thanks for sharing, good luck with dead week and finals!!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your stories and your storybook this semester. Way back when, so September, you said that our sense of humor would let us get along well. I definitely think that happened. Pretty much everything you wrote clicked with me right away. I can’t think of a single entry that I wasn’t on board with.
ReplyDeleteThis is a random thing to comment on, but I liked all the pictures you chose for your Storybook too. They all fit really well. I also liked the caption “Sunrise, Sunset,” since you mentioned that was your favorite place on your blog.
I think you did a great job tying your stories together. Using different parts of one trip was clever. It’s also extremely natural. It just flowed really well from story to story. I also liked how Eat. Pray. Love. was the inspiration for Savannah, and her own journey had strong similarities to the book.